Lady Coat

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It's 2am and I'm not sleepy. My mind is full of good things, pixie dust thoughts. Beside me Tina is sleeping, her legs tangled in the sheets, her breathing steady and comforting. I'm careful not to wake her, because if she knows I'm up she will spring to attention, ready to slay any dragon who threatens to attack me, whether real or imagined. And she needs to rest.

I remember when we first met and we lived apart, she in Colorado, me in Charlotte. One evening I was walking through the mall and we were talking on the phone. A gorgeous plaid winter coat in the Gap window caught my eye and I looked at it longingly. I was a single mom with three kids, and let's face it, a new coat for me was low on the priority list. Damn, it wasn't even a Gap outlet! But Tina made me walk in and try it on, told me to do it for her and send her a pic, well, hell, how could I say no to that. It felt so lovely on, it fit perfectly and made me feel like a lady. After twirling in the mirror and giggling, I took it off and left the store. Probably to get a pretzel, which is always high on the priority list.

Well, to my surprise, the next day I get a package delivered to my door. I open it and GASP it's the coat!! My lovely coat. My sneaky girl was looking it up online the same time I was trying it on and ordering it for me. We quickly named it my Lady Coat and I don't think I took it off for weeks.



Thinking about that coat makes me nostalgic for those early days, when we tiptoed around each other - strangers, really - speaking a different dialect of the same language. What I am not nostalgic for is how horrible I was to Tina in the beginning, how I tested her and tried her, how my own fear and insecurity kept me from accepting her unconditional love. Oh I was bad. Very very bad.

Hours later, Tina and I are moving about town, running errands. We are flirting and sharing in the comfortable intimate way we have - now that we speak the same dialect of the language of Love. Suddenly I stop and turn to her with tears in my eyes: "Oh baby, remember HOW AWFUL I WAS TO YOU?", I say. And without missing a beat that amazing woman reaches for me, takes me in her arms and says "Oh sweetie, you were just learning to Trust. I knew that then, and I know that now." And her love, like that Gap coat, still feels so lovely on, still fits perfectly and still makes me feel like a lady.

I create Miracles!

So last night I medicated myself with half a bottle of Magic Shell caramel topping, you know, that stuff that hardens both vanilla bean ice cream AND arteries?? I was feeling gloomy and uninspired. After the ice cream ran out, you'd think I woulda stopped, but no, oh no, I can improvise like no other. I discovered that if you pour the Magic Shell onto a tablespoon and then pop it in the freezer, it hardens beautifully and the binge can continue. Half an hour later, lulled into a sugar and corn oil stupor, I plopped myself down on the bed fully realizing that I'd better do something fast or I was gonna decend into Depressionland, and that is NEVER a fun journey.

A few years ago I discovered www.vitalaffirmations.com, a site that provides affirmation 'cards' that can be shuffled and drawn. I love this site and it is delightfully eerie how the card that comes up corresponds to whatever lesson Spirit is choosing to teach me...and damn if there doesn't seem to be a lesson every day. So I wipe off the excess crispy caramel shell from my fingers and pull up the site feeling kinda sheepish, like when Lily the dog chews a library book and then brings it to me, knowing she's a bad bad girl.

Now wouldn't you know that last night I drew this card: "I am creating MIRACLES." Yippee! (sarcasm implied) I am a miracle creator, not just a sandwich with Miracle Whip creator. (A comedian I am not, apparantly)

Of course, last night, I didn't wanna hear that shit. I wanted to be coddled and babied by my sweet sweet Tina and I did NOT want to do any spiritual work. So I ignored said card, and pouted to Tina and fell asleep in her warm and safe arms.
But dear loving Spirit wasn't gonna take no for an answer, and all night I had magical dreams and peaceful manifestations and joyful impressions and I woke up H.A.P.P.Y! Now,I wrestle with depression, and too often I wake up paralyzed with guilt and grief, wanting to hide from the world, so imagine my delight at feeling something other fear, especially after the binge night I had...Talk about a friggin Miracle.

Then it hit me. I create Miracles DESPITE myself. Spirit is so powerful, that it overrides my self destructive ways! I create Miracles. I am Powerful even if I fall, or ignore Spirit, or make crappy choices. I am E.M.P.O.W.E.R.E.D! PS..I have decided that these flower shoes are my new Miracle Stillettos. I shall wear them as I create Miracles!

BTW, above Crazy Girl Leprechaun photo is from one of Lee and Tree's awesome soirees. I'm a March baby so I got to be part of the birthday cake celebration. I think this captures my love/hate with food perfectly! I haven't been allowed to hold a knife since.

Goodbye Mr. Chunk

So it's been a bit since I've posted. Which means I have lots to say. Me and Funny Girl are now officially engaged. Yay. As soon as I can figure out how to post links, I will post the video that my sweet friend Dawn aka Black shot. It was the best night of my life...
Ok how fun was it to see my big fat butt in the video! So much fun, if by fun I mean watching this lecture on the Impressionists. (lol, thats for Micah and Annah cuz they are sitting here glossy eyed learning about Degas) Ok, back to My Chunk. Sigh. Coco, Annie, ( my roaddogs) and I are now in what shall henceforth be referred to as Operation Thin Parkour....Don't ask. I'll explain the Parkour reference another time....Anyhoo...We are bound and determined to look goooood at the wedding...so I've been getting up and walking at the mall with Micah and Annah...figure I'll start with walking and then move into other stuff...well day 2 and I am sore. Ugh. Sore but determined.

I'm working at Gymboree part time and I love it! I get to be around the retail environment (which I love) without the responsibility of running the whole shebang! I get to go to work for three or four hours a coupla times a week, enjoy my customers and coworkers, and come home and cook for my babies and snuggle with my wife. NO STRESS! I am in heaven. At the store I am immersed in color and brightness and sweet sweet little cherub babies who smile and gurgle at me. The six and seven year olds like my sparkly star earings and my Silly Bands have upped my street cred with the eight year olds. I'm cool again. :)

At first I hemmed and hawed about wanting a baby dress in bright pink and lime green matching outfits. My baby is 12 after all, and too big for gymboree. I started to whine to Tina about another baby...then it hit me, I didn't want another baby, I wanted my babies to be babies again. So I decided to pull out all their baby pics and savor the memories, and then say a prayer of gratitude for the amazing kids they are today.

Then I realized that I respond to the color palette of kids clothes, and I decided to bring that joy, that exuberance, that sparkle to our home and how we live our lives! And so birthed Operation Happiness.

More on that tomorrow..

PS Prayers for Jasmine. God, thank you for keeping her in Your Arms.

I heart tiny baby kitties, clothes that comes in size 2T, my wife's breath, saying the word orange, Frida Kahlo prints, Goodwill furniture finds, scary storms, mexican corn dogs, watching annah read, Stargate SG-1 marathons, fudgy brownies, working it all out, abundance, relaxing in comfortable chaos, Petville, discovering a new author, lunches packed in ice chests, affirmations, funny friends, finding your pants now fit, hello kitty bracelets, watching the moon...

Gratitude

So Tina and I have decided that I will be "Work In The Home Mommy" and Tina will be "Work Outside the Home Mommy". While this is exactly where I want to be, I realized today I wasnt giving myself the time to adjust from corporate life to home life. I no longer work a zillion hours a day, but I also no longer have the gratification that my position granted.

I have decided to give myself a break and allow myself to transition. I will start with gratitude.

Today I am grateful for:
God's unconditional love
Rent paid.
Fridge filled.
Nar-anon
Darryl's 87 year old dad's birthday
Micah's cooking
Surprise visits
Annah's skating
Long talks with 'Grosa
Knowing the words to Karma Chameleon
Kisses from Tina

I'ma

One Small Victory in the Ugly War for Equal Rights...

Yesterday, we were at the hospital with one of the children. We were surprisingly pleased when the staff addressed us both be as "Mom", referred to as The Moms, and actually looked both of us in the eye when discussing care for our child.

Too often this is what happens:
We fill out paperwork, one of our names goes in the Mom line, as there is not a space for two names in the Mom line...then the staff calls the one name and both of us get up. Then comes The Look..where they look at the other one with the "Who are you and why are you here". Sometimes we will get a particularly vocal staff member who comes right out and asks "Who are you and why are you here", ok really they usually say 'Who is the mom" and we both chime "We both are" and then there is the moment where the reaction of the staff determines the way the appointment will go. If the staff member is uncomfortable, s/he will only look at one of us when talking and ignore the other.

Yesterday, however, our co-mothering was not even an issue one way or the other. It was implied and assumed that we were both the mothers. At one time the intake counselor, after we had been chatting awhile, joked that I was the nice mom and Tina was the mean one. (NO THATS NOT WHAT SHE SAID, JUST KIDDING!) She really said that I was the more lax mom and Tina was the more structured mom. Which is so totally true. Sigh.

Perhaps a small victory in the ongoing war for equal rights...